


One Foot in Front of the Other

by Samking



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angels, Demons, M/M, Real world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-14 16:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3417605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samking/pseuds/Samking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All he’d ever wanted was to be good. He had always known that he was different from his brothers, from the other demons he had known all his life, he liked knitted things and flowers...</p><p>Ori was a demon who had always wanted to be good, until he falls in love with the prince of angels and winds up banished to the human world. He isn't supposed to see Fíli again, under pain of death not only for him but for Fíli and his family as well. But fate doesn't seem to like Ori very much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Foot in Front of the Other

Ori hummed to himself as he put the water into the coffee pot and turned the machine on, it was tuneless and sounded vaguely like a song he’d heard on the radio recently. He turned away from black kitchen device that sat on his counter that would give him  a gift of elixir to help him make it through the day in his mortal form. He opened the fridge pulling out the cream cheese to go onto the bagel that was currently cooking in the toaster. Then hipped the fridge door shut and made his way back over to counter where the kitchen appliances were currently making his breakfast for this morning. This was a much simpler way of making breakfast then the way mortals used to do this, he liked this way better. If human ingenuity could always be this useful and productive, not destructive. There were too many destructive forces out there for humans to need to add to them.

The coffee maker has begun to make noises, when he had first been learning about the human world the noises had scared him and he’d taken apart the coffee maker to learn why it made such noises, now they were just reminder of his daily routine. A reminder of the peace and tranquility that went with his life now. The bagel popped up scaring him, toasters had a rather violent way of giving you your food. It was a bit ridiculous really, but as Ori discovered when he had taken apart his first toaster, it was the spring mechanism that was violent not the actual toaster itself. He’d taken apart most of the appliances in his home, and put them back together.

He pulled down a blue plate from a nearby cabinet to put the bagels on before pulling a butter knife out of one of the drawers to scrape his cream cheese with. Then he pulled out his favorite coffee mug from another cabinet, and poured some of the hot coffee into it, putting the coffee pot back into its place so that the machine could continue to make more in case he required another cup. He didn’t think it would be necessary this morning, but he could always reheat the coffee in the microwave or something later so it didn’t go to waste. Then he took the plate and the mug with hot coffee that had little trails of steam coming off of it and went out onto the balcony that overlooked the city street below to eat his breakfast. He liked Wellington, the temperature stayed about the same all year even if it was a bit cooler than he had once liked.  And the sounds of humans going about their lives was a comforting sound to hear. Humans, he referred to them as if he wasn’t one of them now. But he was just as human as the next one, he had a heartbeat, and blood that pumped under his skin, and a death somewhere in the future. He wondered what would lie for him after death, where he would go.

Ori cleaned up his breakfast when he was done, putting his dishes in the sink to be dealt with later when he felt like doing dishes and the cream cheese back in the fridge before beginning his search for his shoes, phone, and keys. His shoes were still where he had left them yesterday, in front of the couch when he had just kicked them off. His phone and keys were a different story. His keys were in yesterday’s jeans pocket, he only found them after five minutes of looking, and his phone had fallen behind his dresser where he had charged it last night, that took a bit longer to find. Then he was out the door, locking his flat up behind him and off to his job. He was a photographer, he worked for a small photography business that did a lot of school photos, baby pictures, family photography. Cameras were a very important tool that humans had, it could capture images in time that lasted much longer then that moment had reminding them of what they had. Every time someone saw a camera they smiled, beautiful smiles, smiles that seemed to light up the rooms, cheerful smiles, and Ori loved all of them. He hadn’t grown up in a place where people smiled much, and he had smiled so much. Ori had never found a smile that matched his in beauty, but he didn’t really think he ever would. It was hard to match the smile of an angel.

Work wasn’t bad, Ori worked with another photographer named Bofur who was also the manager of this branch of the photography studio. Bofur was a cheery fellow, much more boisterous than Ori’s own reserved nature, but he was fun to work with. And he had a passion for photography that Ori couldn’t help but admire, despite working at a chain photography studio, Bofur took every shot as if he was taking a work of art. Why he hadn’t done more with his photography was beyond him, but everyone had their past and Ori didn’t want anyone prying into his, so he doubted Bofur would take kindly to Ori prying.

It was easy work, graduation time was over so no one wanted pictures in caps and gowns, many families were off on vacations as it was the middle of the summer in the island nation, and their next wedding wasn’t until next week. Still it wasn’t a bad day at work. He and Bofur had talked about the music on the radio in between their few customers, Bofur wasn't’ the biggest fan of Lady Gaga’s newest song, Ori had decided not to have an opinion on the song though he’d heard it enough times on the radio. Their topic of conversation drifted to something in the news, local political talk and what not. He tried not get caught up in human politics, he’d certainly gotten caught up in enough politics, albeit a bit unwittingly at first, before and he wanted something quiet now.

The end of the work day came soon enough and Ori left while Bofur closed up shop. He needed to stop by the supermarket to pick up some milk before he could cook dinner tonight. Oh and he should probably pick up some bread and he was pretty sure that he was out of lettuce if he wanted to make that salad tonight. He hadn’t liked green foods before, they were the bane of his existence, but if he wanted to make the most of his human body he needed to eat some every once and a while. Plus you couldn’t actually taste the green foods if you doused it in enough salad dressing. He wrinkled his nose as he walked through the vegetable section of the store, too much green. Why were the green stuff so healthy for you, meat was more of what he prefered, that and potatoes, hardy stuff, even if he didn’t look so hardy.

After gathering the few groceries he needed, and checking out, he had to triple check his money because he got confused for a second while he was staring at a few of the bills, he headed back out into the sunny evening. The sun wouldn’t likely set for another few hours which meant that he could eat dinner out on the balcony again. He liked company and people, he was used to there being so many beings around him, his overbearing brother, old friends, that the quietness of the apartment sometimes became deafening and he would do anything to be around people then. He should go out, try to make friends, but he was afraid. Afraid of what would happen, the excuses he would have to make about his past, no one would really buy that he had amnesia and couldn’t remember anything about his past like they did on those dreadful tv shows would they? And if he told the truth about his past to anyone they would likely think he was crazy, sometimes Ori wondered if he was. He had been crazy to think he could have been good, that starting that relationship would lead anywhere but a disaster and heartbreak. He had been young, stupid, foolish, and yet given a second chance he would do it over in a heartbeat.  

All he’d ever wanted was to be good. He had always known that he was different from his brothers, from the other demons he had known all his life, he liked knitted things and flowers, and was considered way too interested in humans. Actually Ori had no idea why humans didn’t take more interest in humans because they were actual more like neutral territory. Most weren’t good or bad, though a few swung in either directions, they were… nice, that was how Dori had put them once. But Ori had loved them, he loved watching their struggles, how they were able to overcome them with determination, their love and devotion to one another. Demons didn’t experience love, sometimes they found other demons that they tolerated enough to spend time with, but they didn’t love. Well, most didn’t. He hadn’t expected to, but really he should have expected it being how strange of a demon he was. He had been so bright, everything about him radiated light from his smile to the golden shade of his hair.

Ori pushed away the thoughts about him. He didn’t need this right now. Sighing, he pushed away the bowl of salad and wondered if he still had that ice cream in his freezer. Ice cream, he loved that human delicacy so much. No, he’d finished that off three days ago, damn it, he knew he should have picked some up at the store earlier.

Huffing and cursing Ori headed back inside his flat to open and shut some cabinets (rather loudly) like he was wrought to do in his anger. Anger over not buying ice cream, Nori would have surely laughed at him for this. He rarely got angry, and a demon’s anger no matter how fast or slow they were to it was nothing to laugh at. There had been times when he had been angry at his brothers for the things they said, had done and would rage, throw things, break things. It had gotten better when he had been there, he would wrap his arms around Ori and no matter how much he fought against those strong arms he could never escape. He had felt safe there, protected there, loved. Those arms had never been a prison, but a reminder of freedom, freedom he’d never had.

Just thinking about those arms calmed him down. And even though the sun was still up, though it wouldn’t be for much longer, Ori observed, he retreated back into his bedroom to go to bed. He hadn’t even realized the anger that had been bubbling beneath the surface had been there. Anger that had boiled over when he had wanted ice cream and discovered that there was none. Anger about his banishment, the words that had been spoken to him there, the promises he had been forced to make, the threats that had been made if his promises were not kept. The fear he now felt, and the loneliness. He was too tired as he drifted off to banish the thoughts about the warm arms that had once been a promise of protection, too tired to banish the thoughts of him he was always so careful to banish before.

Ori felt his presence before he opened his eyes the next morning. The sun was peeking in from between the blinds that were pulled all the way down, and it was hitting Ori’s eyes in such a way that even rolling over and groaning would not help him go back to sleep. And then the fear struck him as he realized that his presence wasn’t supposed to be here, couldn’t be here, and yet it was. Did he tell him to go away? Did he welcome him? Did he just ignore him, and hope he went away? He couldn’t welcome him, he couldn’t, there would be just too much heartbreak once again, but he wanted to, oh sweet forces above did he want to. If he told him to go away that would be almost as bad as welcoming because he would have to interact with him. So that left ignoring him, and Ori wasn’t sure that would end up with the desired effect that he wanted but surely if he ignored him long enough he would get the hint he was unwanted in Ori’s life.

He rolled off the bed, groaning slightly and made his way across the room to the bathroom. He groaned again when he realized that he couldn’t take a shower as the presence had decided to follow him into the bathroom, Ori considered telling him to sod off if only he could use the bathroom in peace. A wave of amusement rolled off the presence much to his annoyance, of course the damn bastard knew what he was doing. Determined not to acknowledge the unwanted (wanted) guest he went about his routine as normal, minus the shower he could go one day without showering. He threw his clothes on as fast as possible as to not remain naked too long with him hanging about. Then he pattered down the hallway to the kitchen, he hadn’t done any permanent damage to his cabinets last night much to his relief as he grabbed a bowl from one of them and then made his way over to the pantry to decide what breakfast cereal to have this morning. Water in the coffee pot and then turned the coffee maker on so it could work its magic like it did just about every morning. He opened the fridge to grab the milk he’d bought last night to pour into the bowl filled with dry cereal and began munching on his breakfast while waiting for his coffee to heat up.

It wasn’t a bad morning barring the unwanted (wanted) presence that had decided to invade his life that stubbornly wasn’t going away, just as he stubbornly was ignoring it. Though it was starting to wear on him. He found his shoes, keys, and phone much quicker than he had the previous morning. He walked briskly to work, a very different pace than his normal stroll to the photography studio but he felt exposed in the outdoors, as if somehow everyone know about the presence that was following him.

It was another slow day, there were two appointments booked for today, and both were in the morning. They took walk ins, but none came. And by two-o-clock the presence that still hadn’t gone away was becoming too much for Ori. “I need to go home, Bofur. I don’t think I’m feeling all that good.” he said, trying to look as sick as possible. The other man gave him a once over and nodded. He had a strange look on his face that Ori couldn’t quite read, but he agreed that Ori needed to go home.

Ori rested his head against his door as he shut it, he was almost in tears, and his body shook from the sobs that wanted to rack his body or from his own fear that someone would know that he was here. “Please, please, go away.” He begged as strong arms wrapped around him, and warm lips pressed a kiss to the back of his neck tenderly. “Please, listen to me.” He continued to beg wishing that his heart wasn’t dancing in his chest at his tenderness. “You have to leave. You can’t be here.”

“But I just found you.” His voice was low, and his chest rumbled against Ori’s back and it made him feel weak in the knees and turn around and just look at him. There was hurt in his voice, and Ori knew he never wanted to see those blue eyes filled with the rejection that was likely in them right now. “A year. A year I’ve been searching for you, Ori. And now I’ve found you.”

“I know.” Ori choked out. “I know.” A year they’ve been separated but its felt like so much longer. “But you can’t be here. I’m not supposed to see you.”

“Why?”

The question was a lot more vulnerable sounding than Ori had ever heard coming from him, he had never seemed vulnerable, always so confident in his mannerisms, his place in the world. So very different from how Ori felt about himself and his place in the world. “It was terms of my banishment.” Ori explained quietly. “That Azog would let you and your family live if I never saw you again.” If he didn’t turn around then technically he wasn’t breaking the terms of his banishment. “And I would live out the rest of my life as a human, my soul…” His soul to be destroyed at the time of his death, allowed neither in hell or in heaven. They would never be together again. His heart cried out in agony as he spoke just as it had when Azog had proclaimed his sentence. His gripped tightened around Ori just a tad bit, and he leaned over him resting his face in Ori’s hair, golden hair cascading around both of them creating a curtain.

“You could come live with me.” He whispered quietly, “Azog couldn’t hurt you there.” No in heaven where he lived Azog couldn’t hurt him, but he could still hurt those he loved. And he would never be accepted in heaven, he would be the demon who suduced the golden prince of the angels. They would doubt the Durin’s ability to rule the angels, King Thorin could lose his place and it would be all his fault, he couldn’t do that. Wouldn’t do that.

“No. I can’t.” Azog would still come after him and his family and Ori cared too much about them for that to happen. “This is the end.” Of us. Ori felt him nod, felt rain hit the back of his neck, though they were much too warm to actually be rain, and it never rained in doors. He was crying. His beloved was crying. And he could no longer hold back his own sobs as he felt the tears continue to hit his neck. This was his fault, all his fault.

“I’m sorry, Ori, I failed you.”

“No, no you didn’t.” Ori promised him, “You could never fail me, Fíli.” Fíli he hadn’t thought that name never mind spoken it in the past year, it had hurt too much. “If given the chance to redo this I wouldn’t change any of it.” Slowly he turned himself in the strong arms, Fíli straightening his back out as he did so that he could look at the golden haired angel.

He looked as beautiful now as he did when Ori first met him all those years ago. It had been in a subway station in New York City back in the eighties, he’d run away from his brothers again, attempting to live among the humans as a homeless person. He never found out why Fíli had been down in that subway station that day, but Ori had taken one look at him and thought he was the most gorgeous creature in all of creation. There must have been a melody woven in the song just for this beautiful man. They chatted briefly in that subway tunnel, attempting to flirt with one another. But Ori had a problem stringing two words together then if he looked directly into the other’s blue eyes.

They met each other again in the human world this time in London in the mid-nineties. They had recognized each other instantly. And why Fíli had looked at him twice, Ori would never know, and he had decided long ago that he didn’t care. The blond had asked him out to lunch, and Ori had hastily agreed desperate to be around such light, the goodness that angels radiated, the goodness that he had always desired and yet had always been out of his grasp. He was the first to ever believe in Ori, as he poured his heart out to the angel, explaining his desire to be good, and not evil just because he was a demon. And Fíli had thought he could be good despite all evidence to the contrary about Ori’s very nature, and if he hadn’t already been in love with the golden angel he would have been right there and then.

Over the next two decades they had met up together in the human world, sometimes doing couply things like seeing the Eiffel Tower, or putting a lock on one of the bridges, or going for a walk in Central Park in the spring time, other times Fíli brought some of his family members to meet him. Ori was never sure if they knew if he was a demon or thought he was a human. The golden angel had a brother with an impish smile, a mother who was fiercely protective over her sons and family, an uncle who was the king of the angels and his uncle’s husband who had a kind smile and seemed so very different from his husband, smiling when his husband glared, laughing when his husband frowned, but Ori knew that crossing the kindly man would likely be very dangerous. He liked Fíli’s family a lot, they acted like a real family, protective over one another, but able to poke fun at each other too. His two older brothers acted most of the time like they couldn’t stand him, and they probably couldn’t, demons couldn’t love.

And yet Ori loved Fíli.

Then Bolog had caught them, together, intimately together. The demon general had gone after Fíli first, nearly killed the angel, and Ori has snapped with rage. He had never killed anyone before, but he would have killed Bolog that day if Kíli hadn’t stepped in. Kíli who pulled him off the near dead demon general, and then he had shouted for Kíli to get his brother out from there, he could sense the other demons coming. Coming for him. He had known then that he would not receive a light sentence, he had been fraternizing with the enemy, and had almost killed Bolog, Azog’s son. It had been his brother’s influence that had gotten him banishment rather than death, but it was like a death sentence not being able to see Fíli.

“I can’t live without you.” He whispered quietly, his fingers running through Ori’s red hair. Ori frowned at his over dramatic words.

“I guess you’ll have to learn then, to put one foot in front of the other.”

“Have you?”

“Somedays are better than others.” Ori admitted, “It takes time.” There were times, times when he was first banished, times like today where the pain hurt too much that it hurt to breathe, but he had learned how to move, how to breathe with the pain, how to live with it so it didn’t consume him. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other. And Fíli would find happiness again, he was sure of that, he had his brother, his mother, his uncles all who would help him through this. It was better this way.

“I see.” Fíli’s voice was bitter, and he dropped his hands to his sides looking away from Ori towards the window that looked out onto the streets of Wellington. “I- I should go then.” he whispered, Ori watched as the golden lights began to swirl around him to take him away. He shook with sobs that he couldn’t bare to let Fíli hear.

“I still love you.” he whispered just before the lights fully consumed Fíli. The light dissipated, and warm arms were wrapped around him again and lips were pressed against his own. It wasn’t a sweet kiss, but a desperate one, needy. Ori took a step back, his back pressing against the door as Fíli pressed against him, his hands coming up to cup Ori’s cheeks.

“One night,” Fíli whispered between kisses. “Just one night, please.” Ori nodded, he couldn’t deny him this, not when his own chest was aching from their separation. It was never just one night, but this time it would have to be. There was too much at stake, this one night could end up with them dead if they were caught. Ori’s hands roamed all over Fíli’s shoulders and chest, never staying in one place too long. It wasn’t fair, this wasn’t fair. But it was all they had.

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, pressed up against the door, gazing into each other’s eyes, drinking in the image of someone they hadn’t seen in nearly a year. And then Ori’s stomach decided to spoil the mood. “Would you like dinner?” Ori asked, he knew angels didn’t need to eat as often as humans, but he hoped that Fíli would like to spend one with him, do something normal for the last time.  

“Yes.” Fíli said with a small grin and kissed Ori’s check before letting him get up off the door. Ori decided on a pasta dish, something he didn’t normally have. He pulled out different pots, making lots of noises as he did so, Fíli decided to sit on the countertop just a tad away from the stovetop where Ori was working. Ori could feel his eyes watching him as he did something so mundane as boiling water to cook pasta in. It felt very domestic. That and a tad bit unreal, because Fíli, the golden haired prince of the angels, who was an accomplished warrior in his own right, was sitting on the counter, swinging his legs watching him cook as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“I wanted to thank you.” Ori wiped his head around to look at the blond angel.

“For what?”

“Saving my life that night. Kíli told me that you had nearly killed Bolog when he got there.” That wasn’t anything to be thanked for, wasn’t that just proving that he was the demon he had always tried not to be? “You went toe to toe with Bolog, and came out alive, more than that you came out on top. You’re a very special demon.” Ori shrugged, trying not to remember the rage he had felt when the other demon had thrown Fíli into a wall, the way his hands had lit up on fire, how he had refused to get off Bolog until Kíli got there. There had been so much blood in the room that night. None of it his own.

“I proved that I was a demon that night.” Ori whispered stirring the pot of water, it was close to boiling now. “I almost killed Bolog.”

“There’s nothing demonic about protecting those you love.” Fíli whispered, reaching out to lift Ori’s chin. He gazed into those hypnotic blue eyes, he wondered if he could drown in them. “Its actually very angelic.” And then he leaned down to kiss Ori’s forehead. “You will always be welcome in heaven if you choose to go.”

“I need to go get the pasta.” Ori said, stepping away from him and walking over to the pantry around the corner slightly. He leaned his head against the pantry doors. Idiot. He should have thrown Fíli out before and not done this. It was only going to end up in heartbreak for both of them in the morning. He knew better, he should have known better. And yet his heart was weak.

“So what do you do here in the human world?” Fíli asked in between bites of pasta.

“I’m a photographer. I work at a photography studio and make people smile.” Ori said, a bit shyly.

“Would you take my picture?” It was an innocent question, but Ori found his heart racing all the same. He nodded hastily and dragged Fíli up from the table, dinner all but forgotten now, and went into the spare bedroom where he kept all his amature photography things he had bought over the last year. The blond gave a whistle of impressiveness as he looked at Ori’s collection. “Quite the set up.” The redhead nodded, not really paying attention to what Fíli was saying, he was trying to decide where to take his picture.

“I want to take it out on the balcony against the backdrop of the city.” He said finally, it would make the angel seem more human in a way, or so he hoped.

He had Fíli lean against the rails half facing Ori and the camera, half looking out into the city. He looked very other worldly as he stood against the sunset, his golden hair catching the last of the sun’s lights. Angelic. Fitting, Ori thought as he adjusted the camera again. He snapped a picture, and then another one. He thought about having him do different poses out here on the balcony, but then decided against it. He didn’t want to overwhelm him.

“What are you thinking about?” Fíli asked, plucking the camera from his hands and placing it on the nearby table he’d eaten breakfast at yesterday.

“Hey.” Ori protested, trying to reach back for the camera.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about.” The angel teased. Ori huffed, crossing his arms, and sighing.

“How unreal this seems.” He finally admitted. “You’re here, and I’m here, and I cooked you dinner and took pictures of you. It all seems so normal, like what humans do. We’re breaking rules, and yet none of this seems dangerous. It just seems normal.” It was dangerous for his heart, the heartbreak he would feel when tomorrow came would be nearly unbearable. He would cross that bridge when he came to it though. Enjoy the moment, enjoy what happiness he had left.

“I like normal.” Fíli whispered, leaning down to kiss the side of his mouth. “I liked having you cook for me. Perhaps next time I could do so for you.” Ori opened his mouth to tell him there couldn’t be a next time, but was cut off by a soft peck to his lips. “I know, Ori, I know. Just let me pretend a little bit longer.” Ori nodded, because how could he deny that request. He reached his hands up to pull Fíli closer to him. “Ghivashel.” He whispered.

“What does that mean?”

“Treasure of treasures, I think. My uncle calls my other uncle that sometimes.” Fíli scratched the back of his head. “Kíli calls his girlfriend fire lady or something like that. I haven’t brushed up much in Kuzdul terms of endearment lately.” He chuckled nervously. “I’ll come up with something better next time.”

“Okay.” Ori said, chuckling with him. “We wouldn't want you to turn into your uncle by using the same terms of endearment would we now?”

“Well its not that so much.” Fíli said, “So much as how many time I’ve heard Uncle Thorin shout it while he and Uncle Bilbo are uh-” The angel fidgeted at little, his face heating up red.

“Oh.” Ori said with some realization, demons weren’t nearly as prudish as angels could be when it came to sex; lust and sexual perversion was quite in their area of expertise after all. It seemed though that the king of the angels didn’t mind being a bit forthcoming with his desires, so perhap it was only his nephew who didn’t wish to speak of such things. “I’m sure you can come up with something to shout at me while we’re in bed as well.” He shrugged, enjoying the gaping noises his lover was making.

“Don’t say that unless you mean it.” Fíli begged, his eyes closing just slightly. Ori ran his hands down the angel’s chest.

“And if I did, what then?” he whispered leaning up to whisper in Fíli’s ear.

“I’d make good use of that bed of yours.”

“Do it.” Ori challenged, he pushed away the part of him that was telling this was a very bad idea, live for the moment. He gave out a small shriek as Fíli threw him over his shoulder, carrying him inside the flat.

Ori woke up to rays of sun hitting his face from the window in the bedroom, he groaned, unwilling to be woken at the moment, and reached over for Fíli to hide his face in the angel’s chest until the sun had passed. But there was only empty space beside him. He gasped, his eyes flying open, his heart crying out at the empty space beside him. Fíli was gone, it was probably for the better, the more rational side of Ori’s brain told him, the part he had ignored last night. Goodbyes were never an easy thing for him. He felt numb as he pushed back the clean covers that were different from the ones he had lain on last night, cried out into the night on. Fíli had cleaned up, he’d always been a considerate one, Ori thought fondly as he wrapped a nearby throw over his naked body. His clothes, which had so carelessly been thrown off last night were folded up nicely on the top of his bureau, he picked up his shirt and inhaled hoping to smell something of Fíli on them, to no avail. It almost as if his angel lover hadn’t been there at all if it weren’t for the memories, and the picture. Ori almost gave out a cry of joy as he remembered the pictures he had taken of his blond angel.

The camera lay on the counter, the strap hanging just off of it when Ori picked it up and turned it on. He almost did a dance he was so impatient at seeing them. They would be a reminder of Fíli when he was old and gray, and his memory almost gone. A reminder of better times, and dreams of what could have been. Could have been, however unlikely that outcome had been, and how much more likely this outcome was. Still it had been nice while it had lasted. The house seemed eerily quiet, none of Fíli’s laughter from last night, or the moans they had both made, there wasn’t even the sound of the coffee maker. As the camera turned on, Ori hit the button to review the pictures.

His heart came crashing down into his chest again.

Nothing.

There was no sign of Fíli in either of the pictures he had taken of him last night. Just the Wellington landscape.

Disappointment rolled through him next. Disappointment mixed with despair. He put the camera back down on the counter before falling to the floor of his kitchen. This hurt worse then seeing Fíli yesterday. The hope that he would have something to remember the happiest times of his life by only to have the universe hate him again. It would take some time for him to pick up the pieces again, but he’d put the puzzle back together, just as he had before. How could one day ruin him in so many different ways? How could one person ruin him in so many different ways?

Ori laid on the ground, his throw blanket that he wrapped up in earlier bunched up around him, and the silence of the flat deafening. But even that could not drown out the quiet whispers of Fíli’s nickname that he’d whispered in their throws of passion, Lukhud, light. He was pretty sure Fíli had gotten them mixed up, because surely he was the light. He almost laughed at how cheesy that had sounded in his own head, probably would have if it hadn’t meant extruding some kind of effort. Perhaps he could just lay here on the floor for the rest of his life, his landlord might not be the happiest about that life choice though.

He thought about calling to Fíli again, having the angel wrap his warm arms around him, but he couldn’t do that either.

It felt like losing. As if he couldn’t prove to the world, to himself that he could be someone without Fíli. There would be bad days in the future, plenty of them. And he couldn’t call Fíli down every time he had one, Azog would catch them eventually and then the demon lord would kill them both, probably. No, he had to be able to pick himself back up, and put one foot in front of the other. To keep moving, because he had a long time to live and a whole world out there to explore.

Reaching up to grab the edge of the counter felt like the hardest thing to do in the world at that moment.

He got up, pulled the throw blanket around his shoulders and padded back to the bedroom to go take a shower. After his warm shower he threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and then made his way back to the kitchen electing to ignore the camera that sat innocently on the counter, and turned the coffee pot on and tried to remember the tuneless song he had been humming a few morning’s ago. The one that played on the radio. As the water heated up in coffee maker he put a bagel in the toaster and went over to the fridge and pulled out the cream cheese to put on his bagel. He pulled down a mug from the cabinet and placed it beside the coffee maker while he waited for everything to cook.

He took breakfast at the kitchen table that morning, and then went back into the bathroom after breakfast to brush his teeth. Then went on his morning hunt for the keys and phone before leaving for work.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a birthday present to myself. Not the happiest of birthday presents but I quite enjoy loose ended angsty fics. I might write a sequel, I haven't decided yet.  
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
